HALF-BREED: CH. 16 - INTROSPECTION

CHAPTER 16: INTROSPECTION

WARNING::  CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT

Summary: Autumn starts keeping a diary and recording her thoughts and observations. The Athosians are allowed to leave Atlantis but Weir won't let Autumn go with them. The Lanteans finally capture a live Wraith and Autumn hopes he might be able to help her locate her Commander. But she is not allowed to talk to him.

Autumn had been busy mending one of the Commander's coats all day and let out a relieved sigh now that her task was complete. She didn't mind these sewing tasks he gave her because it gave her a chance to be alone with her thoughts, where he couldn't hear them. When her concentration was focused on something specific, it acted like a mental block against his random intrusions into her mind. He taught her how to prevent "thought trespassing" (as he sometimes called it) just in case another Wraith – or a human with psychic abilities – tried to extract information from her about the Commander or the hive they lived on. The irony that this meant she could also prevent HIM from poking around in her head was not lost on her and she chuckled to herself. His coats, however, were her least favorite article of clothing to mend. The material used to construct them was thick like leather so it took some effort to get the sewing needle into the fabric. And there was A LOT of it. The coats were long, with lots of intricate detailing, so it took a lot longer to fix the coats compared to the other articles of clothing she worked on. But now she was finally finished and ready to return it to its owner.

She found him in their room laying on the bed on his back with his eyes closed. He liked to meditate there sometimes because it relaxed him.

“Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to disturb you. I will just put your coat away in the closet.”

He opened his eyes and turned his head to look at her.

“That is quite alright, Autumn. You are a GOOD distraction,” he replied, smiling at her.

She just smiled back then went over to the closet and hung the coat up, then turned around to face him. She almost jumped when she came face-to-face with him, standing there in front of her grinning.

“My apologies, Commander. You startled me!”

He put his arms around her and buried his nose into her hair.

“It's cute the way you still jump when you're not expecting me to be so....close to you.”

She knew what was coming next because of his body language and his choice of words. The Commander wanted worship and she was more than happy to obey.

He took her chin in his hand, pulled her face up to his and kissed her – gently at first – until the feel of her body pressed up against his solicited a tingle in his groin and he pulled her closer, her tongue finding his, their lips locked tightly together. He began taking backwards steps toward the bed, his lips never leaving hers, with her following his footsteps. Once they reached the bed he began to undress her until all he could see and feel was her flesh.

He pulled her down on top of him and she hovered over him, her lips moving from his mouth to his neck. He loved when she would kiss, suck and bite his skin there so he just laid back and let her do what she was best at: pleasing him. And oh such pleasure she gave him, as she worked her way down to his swollen member and began to suck and stroke it. Her mouth and hand coordination were impeccable and he could feel the heat rising inside of him. He looked up at her with a sultry look in his eyes.

“Oh yeah....I think I am ready for you now, paramour,” he grinned.

She smiled and he gestured for her to mount him. He reached up and fondled her breasts as she gyrated up and down on his full-staff weapon, squeezing and biting her nipples, running his hands up and down all over her body. She satisfied his carnal needs and gave him the kind of sexual pleasure no other female could. Before Autumn came along, he attempted to fulfill his erotic desire with some of the captive females but it was a one-way ride because the human women hated every minute of it and they knew once he was finished, he would finish THEM by feeding on them. But these dalliances were infrequent because it took such a long time for him to release his seed that it sometimes felt like work instead of pleasure.

But Autumn knew how to please him and today she was on fire, bucking and grinding on him like a wild animal. When he finally ejaculated inside her, it was powerful like a tsunami. They lay together like that, naked and sweaty, until she rolled off him and onto the bed beside him. He turned on his side so he was facing her, then put his hand on her cheek and stroked it with his thumb. He could tell she was blissful and not hurting by the look in her eyes. He didn't ALWAYS go rough with her. Sometimes, like this time, he preferred to give her pleasure instead of pain.

“You are so beautiful, dear one,” he confessed. “And I will always love you.”

Did he really just say the “L” word, Autumn wondered? She had waited so long to hear him say it out loud that her eyes teared up. She reached out with a shaky nervous hand and ran her fingers through his long silky locks. She was about to say it back to him but then she realized he already knew because he could hear everything that went on in her head. But this time she didn't mind because she had nothing to hide. So she said it anyway.

“I have waited so long to hear you say that, my heart. I love you too....”

Then she opened her eyes and looked around the room. She was still in her prison cell in Atlantis. That's what she called her sleeping quarters in Atlantis. When she realized it was just another one of her wishful dreams, she felt like crying. Instead, she opened the drawer on the table next to her bed and took out her personal journal. Dr. Heightmeyer had given it to her a few days ago and encouraged her to keep a record of her thoughts – and especially her dreams – because it would help her to sort all her feelings out and give her anger and frustration another place to go instead of physically acting out with violence. Unknown to Autumn, however, Kate was also hoping it would provide her with some more insights into Autumn's personality and hopefully allow her to treat her condition. Autumn was skeptical at first.

“I don't understand how this is going to help,” she told Kate.

“You don't need to understand, Autumn. That's the beauty of it. Consider it like a best friend that you tell all your secrets to. You've had secrets that you've been eager to share with others, right? Something so exciting and major that you feel like you might explode if you don't tell someone?”

“How did you know?” Autumn looked shocked. Therapy was non-existent back on her homeworld, because life there was so pleasant that everyone was happy and content for the most part. There was never a need to keep secrets because of the communal lifestyle. Everyone got along with each other. But she recalled as a child that her and the other children sometimes did and said things they didn't want the other kids to know about. But eventually the temptation to talk about it would become overwhelming so they would confide in their best friend – someone they knew would keep their secret.

“Because it is just human nature,” Kate replied. “And half of you is human.”

Autumn took the journal and began writing it in that same evening, then brought it with her on her next visit with Dr. Heightmeyer a few days later to show her what she wrote. Kate told her that she didn't have to share it with anyone – that she thought it was important for Autumn to have something she could keep for herself without anyone else interrogating her about it. Then Autumn told her something that surprised her.

“But you ARE my best friend here, Kate.”

Kate was silent for a moment. Autumn's comment shocked her because they hadn't even known each other that long – she had only been seeing the doctor for a week!

“Oh...well....I am flattered you think so positively about me,” Kate responded. “But I thought you were close with Teyla.”

“Miss Emmagen is nice but we don't spend a lot of time together. Not like you and I do. The time I spend with her is mostly just working out in the fitness room and we just make small talk. But I feel like I can tell you ANYTHING because you don't judge me for it.”

Kate sat there and quietly debated the pros and cons of reading Autumn's journal. On the one hand, it was not standard practice for a therapist to read their patient's diaries. Most of her patients back on Earth didn't want to share them anyway. Some of them didn't even want to BE there but were forced by loved ones or medical professionals. On the other hand, this wasn't Earth. This was Atlantis. This was another GALAXY. And Autumn had the DNA of a race of life-sucking beings and for that reason alone, was considered a threat to the others in the city. She was already ordered by Dr. Weir to inform her of any behavior that Kate felt might put the city at risk but so far, Autumn was cooperative and less prone to violent outbursts so Kate didn't have anything to say to Dr. Weir that would be of any interest to her. But Kate herself was very eager to help Autumn overcome her Stockholm Syndrome and realized she would have to act outside of her usual mode of operation if she wanted Autumn to get better. Still, she owed the girl some truth since Autumn felt like the people in charge here were always lying to her.

“Well, this isn't the way I usually do things with my clients back on Earth but if you trust me enough to share how you feel with me, then I guess I owe it to you to as a friend to do what I can so you can feel better about yourself and life in general.”

And then she took the journal and read it:

DAY 4 OF MY CAPTIVITY:

I had a good workout with Teyla. She's a really good fighter, almost better than some of the men. I don't like the way the men here look at her – like they are undressing her with their eyes. Some of them look at me the same way but I just glare back at them and they stop. I know it makes them nervous and that's why I do it. I just think its funny because they know that me and Teyla could probably kick their asses if we really wanted to. Still, it is disrespectful and my Commander would've fed on them all by now for their inappropriate intentions! Sometimes I wish that I could feed too. I would take great pleasure in sucking their life right out of them. What can I say? There's consequences to your actions. I really really really miss the Commander. I dream about him almost every night then wake up and cry because he's not there next to me. The separation from him is almost more than I can bear. I've been keeping a record of some of the dreams I have about him. Kate says it's good for me to write things down to get it off my chest, but I also do it because it's a way for me to keep him alive...in my head...because I never want to forget him. When he comes to rescue me, I'll even show him this journal so that he knows I never stopped thinking about him. He was always big on loyalty...and I am loyal to my love...

DAY 5 OF MY CAPTIVITY:

I overheard Dr. Beckett (aka Dr. Frankenstein) talking to some of the others about some “gene therapy” thing and he injected some kind of deactived mouse retrovirus into Mr. I-Hate-Lemons. OK so his name is really Rodney McKay but I'm just going to refer to him as the Lemon Loser from now on. Apparently there's this thing called the A.T.A. Gene that lets some humans control the Ancient technology here. They seem really excited about it...but not as excited as the Lemon Loser, because he found some funky device that acts like a protective shield around him. But it can only be activated by someone with that gene. Now he has the gene and has been walking around bragging about his new “personal shield emitter.” The other day he came up to me and called me a “Half-Breed Whore” and a “Wraith fucker” so I punched him. But he had his new protective skin on so it felt like my fist just hit a granite wall. Damn that hurt! I will not soon forget this! That guy is a Grade-A Asshole! The leader of the gang, John Sheppard (aka Sheptard), actually pushed him off the balcony in the gate room to show the others what this new technology could do. Too bad the asshole had that shield on because I would've loved to stand there and watch him fall and break his back! I hate him! I hate him hate him hate him!!!!!

DAY 6 OF MY CAPTIVITY:

I overheard Teyla and her friend Halling talking. Halling doesn't think the Lanteans trust them and she told him to be patient, that trust takes time. But he was skeptical. I get the feeling that the Athosians are not happy here either. I had another dream about the Commander that was so vivid I had to write it down when I woke up. They told me he died in the hive ship explosion but I don't believe them. Even though I know my dreams are not real, I feel that his presence in them is – like it's his way of trying to communicate with me. I don't believe that he's dead. He is ALIVE somewhere...out there...in the great unknown...and the Lanteans will all be sorry when he comes to rescue me!

DAY 7 OF MY CAPTIVITY:

Atlantis is haunted! The Athosians think the ghosts of the Ancestors are here. The Lemon Loser said he never believed in ghosts until he met these “things called Wraith that can suck the life out of you with their hands!” and he looked right at ME when he said it. I called him a “goatfucker” and was then escorted out of the control room. Then later on some Athosian lady told Weir that she saw a shadow and since the Wraith can make you see things that aren't there, they were trying to imply that it was ME doing all of this. Of course! Blame the 'Wraith Sympathizer'! I am a convenient scapegoat for everything that goes wrong here now. So I have been confined to my room until further notice. But strange things keep happening. The lights have been flickering on and off and the gate suddenly turned on by itself. Now one of the Athosian kids is missing and everyone is freaking out...including me. Obviously I am not doing this so what else could it be? One of the scientists thinks there might be something wrong with the interfaces beteween their power generators and the city, or the way they isolated some of the systems that could be causing an error with the Ancient programming. But the Athosians are convinced it's a ghost and have been sitting around with lit candles, praying to the Ancestors for protection.

LATER: They found that kid – Jinto, I think they said his name was. And they found the ghost, but it wasn't actually a ghost. It was some kind of “energy entity” that kept sucking the power from the city. But they managed to lure it to the gate where it went after a naquahdah generator that was thrown into the gate. It's on some barren planet now. But they're bummed about losing that generator. Karma's a bitch, kiddies. Ha ha.

Kate closed the notebook and gave it back to Autumn.

“Thank you for sharing this with me, Autumn,” she stated. “I am glad you feel that you can confide in me. I didn't know some of the other people here were giving you such a hard time. Being alone in a strange new unfamiliar place is scary enough so you shouldn't have to tolerate that kind of behavior. I will speak to Dr. Weir about it.”

“Well...you can TRY but let's face it- who is she going to believe - her own people or the freaky Half-Breed girl who's in love with a Wraith Commander?” Autumn replied. “I appreciate your concern but don't even bother. I'm getting used to the suspicious looks and hushed chatter whenever I walk into a room. I'll get over it.”

The truth was that Autumn didn't want Dr. Weir to know about any of it because then she'd know that Autumn was keeping a written record of everything that goes on in Atlantis and demand to see it – and justify it as a matter of “security.” So she stopped letting Kate read it then told her that she stopped writing in it because she didn't feel like it was really helping - and kept it hidden in a secret wall panel she found in her room. But she continued to take notes of all her dreams, thoughts and the activity around her.

DAY 9 OF MY CAPTIVITY:

Major drama today! Sheptard and some of his cronies went “Wraith hunting” (as one of them so eloquently described it...looking at ME when he said it, of course...I am getting really tired of this bullshit!) but the Wraith base they expected to find was gone. There was nothing left but a big crater and it looked like they hadn't been there for a very long time. But Sheptard walked into a big spider web and got an Iratus bug stuck on his neck. Ha ha. Serves him right for being such a smug, arrogant twit! Then their puddle jumper got stuck halfway into the gate and his team almost died. Sheptard was actually dead on arrival, but they revived him. Can you tell how relieved I am about this? * sarcasm * Too bad it wasn't the Lemon Loser. Now he's been making fun of Sheptard about the “hickey” on his neck. I suppose I'd rather have him making fun of the Major instead of me.

DAY 15 OF MY CAPTIVITY:

One of the exploratory teams keeps getting ambushed by Wraith every time they go to check out a nearby planet. Yes! My brethren are close now! I can feel it! But now they think there's a spy in Atlantis so all non-base personnel have been confined to the south side of the complex and gate travel has been suspended until further notice. They've questioned me several times already, and now they are interviewing the Athosians. I use that term loosely because let's face it – it's an interrogation, not an interview. They are as suspicious of the Athosians as they are of me and now the Athosians need an escort when they go to the medical facility. I sympathize with them but they are human so I make them nervous because I have Wraith DNA. I don't even have a feeding slit! What do they think I'm gonna do? Use my MIND to suck out their life? If only it were that easy. But even if I did have a feeding slit, I wouldn't do that to any of them. I get strange looks from them too but at least they are not RUDE to me and calling me names like those other morons. Actually, they are AFRAID of me now because they DO think it's me who is the spy. So typical. I loathe it here so much that I feel like I might lose my mind, but at least now I am not the only one confined to a heavily-guarded section of the city and forced to have an escort everywhere I go.

DAY 17 OF MY CAPTVITY:

The Lanteans found a fifteen-million square mile land mass on another part of the planet that takes only 25 minutes to get to by jumper, ground-to-ground. The Athosians practically begged Weir to let them go there and of course she was happy to oblige. I asked her if I could go with them (because I'd love to get out of this hell hole and back out into nature where there's trees and grass and a SKY!) but she told me that she already asked them about it and they were against the idea for obvious reasons (they don't trust me either). Later I overheard some of the soldiers talking about it and they said Weir didn't want me to go because I was still a security risk and she didn't want to put any of the Athosians in harm's way. Translated: my presence might attract the Wraith and they would have no defense against them the way Atlantis does. Well...I guess I CAN'T trust this woman, Elizabeth Weir. So I am still stuck here and they are still calling me a “guest” even though it's become very clear to me that I am, in fact, a prisoner here. Now that the Athosians are gone – with the exception of Teyla who decided that she wants to stay here where all the action is – the ban on gate travel has been rescinded and they've started using it again.

DAY 19 OF MY CAPTIVITY:

Sheptard's team was attacked by Wraith again today and now they think Teyla is the spy because she is the one constant in the equation. Her and Ford got separated from the team so the rest went through the gate without them. Sergeant Dunn (aka DUMB) didn't even want to allow her and Ford back through the gate when she sent her identification code, even though Ford was injured, because both him and Teyla were “conveniently absent” during the ambush. But Sheptard pulled rank on Dumb and ordered the control room to let them through. At least the suspicion is off ME now. I feel bad for Teyla though, because she would never do that. Her own planet was attacked by Wraith...and she still treats me like a human being and not a Wraith sympathizer.

DAY 20 OF MY CAPTIVITY:

Teyla's bag was searched and they found a necklace that was given to her as a child. Sheptard found it when they were exploring Athos again, and they realized it had a transmitter in it that was broadcasting their location to the Wraith (who left it there for someone to find). So they went back and used it to set a trap and when the Wraith showed up, they managed to capture one. THERE IS A WRAITH HERE IN ATLANTIS! I sensed his presence before they even told me. It's not my Commander but this could be my chance to find out where he is! However, I'm not allowed to talk to him. I've got to find a way to sneak out of my room and into the brig now. I MUST speak to this Wraith! He could be my ticket out of here!

Disclaimer: The Wraith, Dr. Carson Beckett, Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Teyla Emmagen, Major John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Lt. Aiden Ford, Dr. Kate Heightmeyer & Stargate Atlantis are owned by MGM/Paramount. Autumn Noxx, and Sergeant Dunn are original characters that belong to me.